Marriage - Creating Good Vibes

“Disappointment is the most dominant characteristic of a married relationship.”

— John Bradshaw

If this is true, we should expect disappointment in our relationships.  If we fail to plan for disappointment in marriage, the surprise of such disappointment can be enough to send a relationship into a downward spiral.  How does one balance this potentially cynical mindset and yet cultivate a healthy hope for a loving marriage?

Delayed Gratification

It can take an avocado tree anywhere from 5 to 13 years to begin to produce fruit.  Naturally, we don’t expect to water it once in the morning and see our first avocado in the afternoon.  If this were the expectation we would be let down regularly, and there would be no such thing as guacamole (my favorite)!  Relationships are no different.  The care we put in now will show itself later, sometimes much later.  Likewise, negativity will produce its fruit in due time.  

  Immediate Dissatisfaction

While nourishing a tree over time can eventually produce good fruit, poisoning that same tree will get you immediate results.  It will wither and die.  This is why creating a healthy marriage is difficult to do.  The love we put in can be absorbed - over time, but the toxicity we bring to a relationship is absorbed now! Not only is it immediate, but it can powerfully block love from being received.  To make matters worse, it’s quite common to have good intentions and yet poison the tree accidentally when we’re having an off day, or tired or “hangry."  

Creating a healthy marriage requires intentionality and effort.  This is because in marriage there is no middle ground.  You are either for your spouse or you are against them.  There is no, “I’ll wait and see if s/he is for me.”  You must decide to give nourishment (love) or you will decide to self protect (poison).

Positive Sentiment Override

Renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman talks about positive sentiment override.  His research suggests some good news.  We can create a healthy perspective of ourselves for our spouse by having at least 5 positive interactions to each negative interaction (5 to 1 ratio).  In doing so we can create a stable and happy relationship.  This means that the neutral or even negative comments we sometimes make can bounce off of our spouse because of the positive and healthy foundation we’ve established  for our relationship.  The bad news is that negative sentiment override is also a potential reality - the neutral comment can be absorbed as bad, if it lands on the toxic foundation we’ve established.  Our words are so important.  How we use them with one another will determine whether we produce a relationship that gives life or death.  

Josh Grover LMHC

3 Essentials for Wellness of Soul

“A well ordered soul does not derive it’s peace from the hearts of other men. True peace is found only in Him. Desire not to please them or fear to displease them. ”

— Unknown

When visiting with clients or doing my own personal inventory, there are three critical elements that regularly emerge.  I’ve come to believe that these elements, when applied appropriately can help to set things in order in the soul.  When ignored, the results are destructive over time.  There is a necessary progression to the elements:  Surrender - Receive - Worship.  Let’s take a look.

Surrender

We hold on too tightly.  The more we try to control, the more control becomes an obligation.  We try to control how people perceive us.  We must manage our emotions.  (Only show the good ones). If we could only fix the kids, our coworkers, our spouse or the emerging lines on our brow, we’d finally find that slice of peace in life that would make things okay.  The tight grip we keep on the fantasy of control prevents us from embracing the blessings of reality.    

We must learn to surrender.  There is more than one way to do it, but the action step for me, is to identify the areas of life that I am attempting to control that are beyond me.  Then I actually surrender each one by name to God and/or a trusted friend.  This step is nothing new, yet powerful when we do it.  12 step programs have known this for years.  

Receive 

Many people never get to receive because they’ve never surrendered.  We must make space to receive, but for many there’s no room.  If we’ve not gone through the process of surrendering our futile attempts to control life then receiving the gift of real peace is only a quaint idea for those who have time for such nonsense.  Once we’ve cleared the necessary emotional space through surrender we are left the emotional margin to receive.  

In this space we can let people in.  We can invite love, joy and peace.  We can receive help from others.  We can think differently.  We can treat people differently, not as problems, or solutions or obstacles, but as humans.  Receiving helps us become more human.  We are human beings, not “human doings.”  

Surrendering our illusion of control also allows us to relate with God.  When we give up the need to be god in our life, we create room for God in our life.  When we surrender the need for control to the one who has control we can soak in the good things He has for us.   

worship

Worship emerges when we receive everything in the place where we had nothing.  When we recognize our soul is a barren desert, we have the space to receive not only life, but meaning, contentment, joy and peace. When this happens, there is only one response: Worship. It is natural reaction to give glory to the one who brings us life.

We were created to worship, and worship we will.  Pure worship never comes from obligation, because we worship what we believe will give us life.  We worship what our hearts crave.  We worship what we set our minds upon.  We have many idols - money, self, others, comfort, pleasure etc.  We must be careful what we worship, because if we worship the wrong thing (or person) we will break ourselves against it because, it will ultimately let us down - severely.  We worship what we behold and we become like what we worship.  This is why looking for God and giving him our worship is better for us than anything else.

Surrender (to God) - Receive (from God) - Worship (God) ... Repeat.  

Joshua Grover LMHC